Created: July 13, 2020
Modified: September 21, 2021
Modified: September 21, 2021
vulnerable
This page is from my personal notes, and has not been specifically reviewed for public consumption. It might be incomplete, wrong, outdated, or stupid. Caveat lector.- Telling people about your failures, your fears, your self-doubt, your insecurities can be a path towards deeper connection. Understanding this is an element of emotional maturity that can take a while to develop. As with most things, it's hard to explain in just words---you need to have the experience of doing it and having it work for you.
- Taken literally, 'vulnerability' implies that you're giving someone the opportunity to hurt you. There's an element of that---having such an opportunity and choosing not to take it is in some ways a costly signal of cooperation, which can deepen a relationship.
- But I think that's the wrong way to think about what we usually do when we act 'vulnerably'.
- Being vulnerable with someone is a gift to them, because it creates an opportunity for them to help. Helping other people is the only real enduring source of reward. This is fundamentally why relationships are so important. If you're never vulnerable around people, they'll never have the chance to feel good about themselves by helping you.
- Sure you're opening yourself up to criticism, but by acknowledging and pre-empting the criticism you're kind of disarming it. By expressing weakness, you're really showing strength. Being vulnerable demonstrates confidence that the flaws you're expressing aren't really fatal.
- Since everyone has insecurities and weaknesses, acknowledging mine gives others permission to acknowledge theirs. It brings us into a more honest level of conversation. It breaks down a barrier.
- Most people fundamentally want to be good people. If you display vulnerability, they will respond with compassion. They'll feel tenderness and empathy.
- Vulnerability creates trust. It's an expression of trust in whoever you're speaking with. And it allows them to trust you, because they know you're not putting on an act of false confidence.