skinship

In Korea (and maybe also Japan?) it's common for young guys to bond through physical touch and affection: hugging, holding hands, sitting in each other's laps, etc. The members of BTS famously exhibit a lot of skinship. This is considered entirely platonic; it doesn't imply any sexual or romantic attraction, but something more akin to bromance. Of course behaviors of male platonic affection are not limited to Korea; they can and do exist in cultures around the world.

Seeing young guys being affectionate with each other makes me feel happy, jealous, and sad all at once. It's an experience and a form of relating I've always wanted and never really got to have.

My understanding is that in traditional Korean culture this sort of affection is able to exist uncomplicated by sex (at least in most people's minds) because homosexuality is so taboo that it's not considered to be a possibility. You're not worrying about whether the affection implies a sexual interest, because of course there's no sexual interest.

For me, growing up in the US in the 90s, there was just enough awareness (but not yet acceptance) of gay people that homophobia was more dominant. Guys were very scared of being perceived as gay and generally not open to any same-sex physical affection, since this might open them up to that accusation. Any desire for this kind of affection had to be repressed.

One reason I think it took so long for me to admit that I was gay, is that I did understand (I'm not sure where I got this from --- presumably books or the internet) that it was normal for even straight guys to be curious about each others' bodies and to want and enjoy physical affection. And even that some level of sexual experimentation isn't uncommon. So being interested in seeing and touching other guys' bodies didn't necessarily make me gay - in my mind the real distinction was who you (wanted to) end up in a long-term, romantic relationship with. But I couldn't see myself in any kind of romantic relationship, so everything in this space was all confusing and blurred. I knew I wanted physical affection with guys, but I was afraid to show it because I knew most guys would see it as gay and react poorly. That would be isolating even if I was sure that it wasn't meant that way. But since in fact I wasn't sure myself, and didn't want to confront the possibility, I developed even more aversion to touch.

Some straight guys I know, like SuccessfulFriend, NameRedacted, and some of my other college friends, actually were/are pretty comfortable with physical affection --- not at the BTS level of skinship, but certainly hugging. I think there's a certain level of straight privilege in being able to see this affection simply as bromance, without any confusion as to whether it's meant sexually or not.

My guess is that many gay guys have some level of traumatic conditioning around physical touch. Not everyone: NameRedacted apparently felt pretty relaxed and not-uptight with hugging his gay and not-gay male friends. So it's clearly not necessary, and like all conditioning, it can be reversed with time. But it's something I still struggle with.

Now that homosexuality is more accepted in the US, and there are pockets of youth culture where being gay might even be 'cool', it seems like young guys might be more comfortable showing affection without worrying if it's seen as gay, because it wouldn't be a problem even if it were. Still, it's always more complicated to not know where the lines are: to not be sure what a given touch means, or what you want it to mean.

Ideally we all learn to just enjoy our present-moment sensations, and feelings of connection, without worrying about what they signify. Obviously it's ultimately valuable to understand in what ways each of us are looking to connect, and to try to understand each other and communicate without shame. But worrying about those things in the moment isn't productive: it turns a positive interaction into a source of tension and anxiety. Labels can be valuable, but the map is not the territory.