Created: January 17, 2021
Modified: January 17, 2021
Modified: January 17, 2021
all relationships are transactional
This page is from my personal notes, and has not been specifically reviewed for public consumption. It might be incomplete, wrong, outdated, or stupid. Caveat lector.- This was one of the beliefs that SuccessfulFriend and I shared (and still share).
- This seems like a cynical thing to say. But it's not meant that way. It just means that :
- Relationships are, or should be, mutually beneficial.
- Maintaining a relationship requires you to appreciate the things that the other person does for you, and to go out of your way to do things for them.
- People are, consciously or unconsciously, always keeping track of where we stand in our relationships. It's an essential social skill.
- The key is that transactionality is good because transactions are positive-sum. The observation could be rephrased as 'all (voluntary) relationships create value'.
- When distinguishing between sacred and profane, people tend to view love and friendship as 'sacred' and transactionality as 'profane'. But there's no hard distinction. Whatever is sacred about relationships is built on a foundation of profane transactionality.
- As a nerd, this framing helped me understand relationships. Understanding the nature of the game I was playing playing means I could play it better. Relationships aren't just things that happen; they're chances to make another person's life richer and have them enliven yours in exchange. They take work, but it's worth it.
- At this point the 20-year-old me says: okay fine, but how exactly am I supposed to make another person's life richer? That's a very important subject but beyond the scope of this page. (see relationship advice)
- The transactionality doesn't have to be around tangible things. It can be a tacit agreement to perform emotional labor for each other. Or even just to go on fun trips together. And it doesn't have to be explicitly negotiated, with specific terms of exchange. It can be unstated and implicit.
- I want to push back: if transactionality is unstated, implicit, with no negotiation or specific terms, then what constitutes the transaction? Why is this a useful lens for relationships?
- Restating the above: because it explains how to act in relationships. For people to whom relating doesn't come naturally, it gives a framework for thinking explicitly about making the world a better place by building strong relationships.
- How does this relate to cooperative inverse reinforcement learning? Or specifically, to love is value alignment?