growing up my own way

A thought that just occurred watching Billions. The two deputy attorneys (white guy and black woman ??) are in her apartment, which is nice, and she says "pretty grown up, isn't it?" and he says "if I lived to 100 I wouldn't be this grown up".

The way this was intended was to highlight her maturity and competence. She has gotten shit together in a way that he never has and maybe never will. A home is a reflection of identity. Building up a home that is well thought out, tastefully decorated, immaculately clean, etc., is a sign of a very comfortable or strong or mature identity, that is able to delay gratification and put work and thought into planning for the future.

But you can also think of it as a personality trait. Some people let their identity reside in their house, and spend all their energy on that. Some people let it reside in a car. Or a computer. Or in a career, or a sport, or a romantic partner, or any combination of these things and many others.

There is a form of growing up that is becoming more capable, more mature, more wise, learning more about yourself, learning how to learn and plan and be effective, developing healthy habits. Always trying for self improvement, meaning especially developing habits that will make it easier to self improve in the future. That's something I've neglected at times because it's hard to put energy into really abstract planning for the future (general self-improvement, better life habits, etc) when depressed or generally not optimistic about what can happen in the future. Anyway this is really the positive thing about growing up: getting better as you get older. Not just "moving on" through some defined series of life stages, but actually growing.

Separately, there's a series of societal games to play. There's building a certain sort of house, with a certain very subtle tasteful style that is a synthesis of many people's preferences, that is well taken care of and reflects your identity perfectly. And this is taken as a sign of being "grown up". And it really can be such a sign. But it's not a necessary condition. Plenty of people "grow up" to decide there's something they care about more than the impressiveness of their living room decor. They spend their time and energy doing science, or teaching kids, or writing novels, or distributing aid, or fighting for a political cause they believe in, or whatever. Their identities are out in the world, bigger than any one house. Or maybe the reverse is true, their identities are secure enough inside their own heads that they don't need a soft cocoon to reinforce them. Either way, it is not an inherently lesser thing and there's no reason to look down on it.

That said, this doesn't imply that I should have this kind of non-house-related identity. It might still be a good idea to play the game and make a nice home that impresses other people. It might also just be a good idea objectively: I might enjoy living in such a home and it might be psychologically valuable. It's also maybe useful for relationships. A home is a shared space that provides for an easily-shared common identity between partners. When you're single your identity can live inside your own head, but in a relationship it can't. So there's nothing wrong with a nice house, maybe some good reasons to have one, and maybe I'll have one someday. But it's not an admirable goal in itself.